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Joke Thread

#1
Lets have some fun and liven this place up Smile
Nothing too offensive now Big Grin

I will start with a few..........


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak!!!


2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part
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#2
try a few more........

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. Big Grin

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified. Big Grin

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Big Grin

Just been for a medical & the doctor said "Don't eat anything fatty",
I said "Ok, like bacon & burgers?"
He said " No, just don't eat anything, fatty!" Big Grin
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#3
Why did the Duck cross the road ?

To get to the other side, of course------Quack.
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#4
Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin
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#5
Ahahahahha

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#6
Well you know how some people call the Bathroom, the John.

Well there is a Guy who re-Named his Bathroom, the Gym.

So that way he can tell people he went to the Gym Today Rolleyes
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#7
Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin
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#8
I'm setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights.
Please feel free to join Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals Big Grin

The wife was watching a cookery show...
I said "What the fuck you watching that for? You can’t cook!"
She replied "You watch porn!" Big Grin 

[size=small]How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit ? 
No Brussels Big Grin
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#9
Few more..........



My wife got upset when she couldn't fit into a size 12 dress.

I said don't cry love your bigger than that     Big Grin


My wife's been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years.

She's finally given up and thrown in the towel    Big Grin


I went to get some air put into my tyres the other day. The attendant tried to charge me $10, I was like, “$10?? That’s so expensive, it’s just air!” The attendant said, “Well, that’s inflation for you.”   Big Grin


Just heard the guy who was suing Emirates for missing luggage has lost his case   Big Grin


What's the difference between a bowling ball and a prostitute?  
Nothing....... they both get picked up, fingered and then banged up an alley   Big Grin
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#10
Here is another version, Hssc11045.

What's the Same between a Bowling ball and a Prostitute?

You Plug both holes the same way,

2 Fingers in the Pussy, 1 Finger in the Ass.
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