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A wife calls her husband on his phone at the work and asks him: "Hi dear, can you talk ?"
He is answering to her: "Yes dear, I can."
She continues with: "Great, than listen..."
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After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it.
If you see someone doing a crossword today............ lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.
How did the frog die?
He Kermit suicide
Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank..
Proving once & for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
I'll get my coat...............
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So, I accidentally gave the wife superglue instead of lip balm.
She still isn’t talking to me.
So there I was minding my own business in the supermarket when a guy came up and emptied a packet of grated cheese over my head.
I said "That was mature wasn't it"
My son just came home with a sofa and two chairs........ I am fuming as I always tell him never accept suites from strangers
I watched a documentary on cocaine last night.
I think all documentaries should be watched this way
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Girl: I need Google in my brain and antivirus in my heart.
Boy: And Photoshop on your face!
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I had a really strange dream last night in which I just kept repeating, 'Hobbit, Hobbit, Hobbit!' My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.
Just seen on the news that some terrorist has been into a supermarket somewhere and injected a tin of alphabet Spaghetti with high explosives. Police warn if it goes off it could spell disaster.
my mate just hit me over the head with a power tool, one minute i was minding my own business then, Bosch!