Lets have some fun and liven this place up
Nothing too offensive now
I will start with a few..........
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak!!!
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part
try a few more........
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Just been for a medical & the doctor said "Don't eat anything fatty",
I said "Ok, like bacon & burgers?"
He said " No, just don't eat anything, fatty!"
Why did the Duck cross the road ?
To get to the other side, of course------Quack.
Well you know how some people call the Bathroom, the John.
Well there is a Guy who re-Named his Bathroom, the Gym.
So that way he can tell people he went to the Gym Today
I'm setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights.
Please feel free to join Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals
The wife was watching a cookery show...
I said "What the fuck you watching that for? You can’t cook!"
She replied "You watch porn!"
[size=small]How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit ?
No Brussels
Few more..........
My wife got upset when she couldn't fit into a size 12 dress.
I said don't cry love your bigger than that
My wife's been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years.
She's finally given up and thrown in the towel
I went to get some air put into my tyres the other day. The attendant tried to charge me $10, I was like, “$10?? That’s so expensive, it’s just air!” The attendant said, “Well, that’s inflation for you.”
Just heard the guy who was suing Emirates for missing luggage has lost his case
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a prostitute?
Nothing....... they both get picked up, fingered and then banged up an alley
Here is another version, Hssc11045.
What's the Same between a Bowling ball and a Prostitute?
You Plug both holes the same way,
2 Fingers in the Pussy, 1 Finger in the Ass.