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+---- Thread: General Discussion Joke Thread (/Thread-General-Discussion-Joke-Thread)
RE: Joke Thread - hssc11045 - 02-10-2018
A thief got past security at the Louvre, stole some paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could plan such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied "the reason I stole the paintings was, I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh"
I was driving home when my satnav said "Turn off in 200 yards"
Sure enough, my wife was stood there.
RE: Joke Thread - WetToiletPaper712 - 09-10-2018
There was a couple who was married for 40 Years.
They took a trip to Jeruslum, and his wife dies.
The Preacher said she can have a nice Funeral here for $250 Dollars, or $5,000 Dollars to ship her home.
He thought about it for a minute, and then said he would spend the $5,000 Dollars.
He said there is a story about a person dying and he rose from the Dead in three days.
Well I don't want that happening to me
RE: Joke Thread - DA - 09-10-2018
(02-10-2018, 01:18 AM)hssc11045 Wrote: A thief got past security at the Louvre, stole some paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could plan such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied "the reason I stole the paintings was, I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh"
I was driving home when my satnav said "Turn off in 200 yards"
Sure enough, my wife was stood there.
RE: Joke Thread - DA - 09-10-2018
(09-10-2018, 09:45 PM)WetToiletPaper712 Wrote: There was a couple who was married for 40 Years.
They took a trip to Jeruslum, and his wife dies.
The Preacher said she can have a nice Funeral here for $250 Dollars, or $5,000 Dollars to ship her home.
He thought about it for a minute, and then said he would spend the $5,000 Dollars.
He said there is a story about a person dying and he rose from the Dead in three days.
Well I don't want that happening to me
RE: Joke Thread - hssc11045 - 05-12-2018
My friend Johnno was savagely beaten at the local Teddy Bear's picnic.
His condition is improving but he's not out of the woods yet.
My next door neighbour has just come knocking on my door, screaming, shouting, swearing and accusing me of stealing her underwear.
She scared me so much I almost shit her pants.
RE: Joke Thread - DA - 06-12-2018
(05-12-2018, 11:03 PM)hssc11045 Wrote: My friend Johnno was savagely beaten at the local Teddy Bear's picnic.WDF..the second one is the nice one lol...
His condition is improving but he's not out of the woods yet.
My next door neighbour has just come knocking on my door, screaming, shouting, swearing and accusing me of stealing her underwear.
She scared me so much I almost shit her pants.
RE: Joke Thread - hssc11045 - 02-01-2019
I heard today that the Chinese pave their motorways with dead snakes.
Sounds like a road of old cobras to me.....
Whats the rudest elf you can meet ?
A gofuckyourself......
People always say I'm late and disorganised
But wait until they see what I've got organised for tonight's New Year Eve party!!
RE: Joke Thread - DA - 03-01-2019
RE: Joke Thread - hssc11045 - 12-01-2019
Sent my hearing aids off for repair three weeks ago............................... not heard anything since...
Been waiting in the queue at the chemist for ages there and when I finally got to the front the woman said “I’m really sorry about your wait”
I said “You’re not that skinny yourself you cheeky b*tch” ...
What happened toJjesus when he went to mount olive??
Popeye beat the shit out of him....
RE: Joke Thread - Mr. James Bond - 12-01-2019
I like the first one