General Discussion Joke Thread

[DA]

Only Two Types Of Communications Are Fastest In The World…
.
.
.
E-Mail To Email
&
Female To Female….

[gxbferqa]

Why can't a blonde dial 911? 


She can't find the eleven.

[hssc11045]

Breaking News!

‘Flat Fish of the Year’ results for 2020 are as follows:

1st Plaice
2nd Plaice
3rd Plaice




The famous US Olympic Skier, "Picabo Street" (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an Athlete.
She is also a Senior Nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of a large Metropolitan Hospital in New York.
As from today, She is no longer allowed to answer the Hospital I.C.U. telephone. Apparently it caused too much confusion,

When she would answer the Hospital Phone and say.-

"Picabo, I.C.U."

[hssc11045]

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me"..
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex"..??
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims.............

"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was just washing up, with the back door open, when suddenly, an owl flew in.


Couldn't believe it!



It dried all the pots and put them away then flew right back out.!



Was amazing!

Think it was a Teat Owl....

[DA]

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me"..
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex"..??
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims.............

"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was just washing up, with the back door open, when suddenly, an owl flew in.


Couldn't believe it!



It dried all the pots and put them away then flew right back out.!



Was amazing!

Think it was a Teat Owl....

[hssc11045]

I finished with my ex girlfriend because of her obsession with counting...

I wonder what she's up to now! 



I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

Must’ve been something I said.  

[Zdarts]

Jesus walks into a hotel puts three nails on the counter and says hey could you put me up for the night

[hssc11045]

My neighbour was banging on my front door at 3am this morning. Can you believe it!

Luckily for him I was still up playing the drums!

[hssc11045]

A woman who was arrested for tippexing full stops in library books has been told by a judge to expect a long sentence!

[hssc11045]

My wife is in A&E after being stung on the forehead by a wasp. Her face is all swollen and bruised but thankfully I got the wasp with my shovel....

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”

I said, “No, she’s an optician."